In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

"It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world.  It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” – L.R. Knost

I don’t think there is another parent in the world that would disagree with me when I say this is the toughest job we are given.  The most rewarding, but also the hardest.  We have a lot of sleepless nights.  We are always worried about this little human’s survival.  But to me, that’s not the hard part.  The hard part is how we help ensure that when they do grow up, that they are the best version of their selves they can be.  I’m sure each parent has a different image of that in their head.  Some have hopes for their financial security.  Some will focus on the impact they make on the world.  Some will provide all the training in the world for them to be a world class athlete. 

There is nothing wrong with any of these aspirations for your children.  For me, I have two goals for Zoe as an adult: 

1. I want her to be kind.
2. I want her to be happy.

If you ever hear me talk about it though, you probably would her me say I just don’t want her to be a shitty person.  But for the purpose of this, we will keep it simple and call it kind.  In order to raise a kind kid, we must be kind ourselves and surround her with others that are kind to be a positive influence on her. 

I’m sure you are thinking, it’s not that hard.  Kids are born innocent and good; they must be taught hate.  While that is true, in today’s digital age, the hate is shown more than ever.  You don’t turn on the news to see cute puppy stories.  That doesn’t grab attention when you have 1.2 billion media streams to choose from.  When you post anything out on the internet, even this blog about kindness, you are opening yourself up to all the trolls on the internet that will cast judgement on you in the most extreme ways.  So, while yes, it’s true, hate must be taught, it seems like there are more of those ‘teachers’ today than ever before.

Borrowed from:  https://goop.com/work/parenthood/the-art-of-raising-kind-kids/, Rodgers and Hammerstein wrote the following in 1949:

You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear, It’s got to be drummed in your dear little ear… You’ve got to be carefully taught. You’ve got to be taught before it’s too late, before you are six or seven or eight, to hate all of the people your relatives hate. You’ve got to be carefully taught.

In order to counteract all those who could be carefully teaching my sweet girl to hate, it is my job to make sure I am teaching about love, kindness, respect, and to show empathy to all of God’s beautiful creations. 

For those that know me well, know that I do a lot of research on the subjects of how to find balance and joy in life.  With that, comes serving others and finding the positive in every person and every situation.  I did not have high self-esteem growing up.  I lacked confidence and never felt like I was good enough in any situation.  I wasn’t the smartest in class.  I wasn’t the prettiest.  I wasn’t athletic.  I didn’t feel like I had a group that I fit in with.  Rather than allowing that self-inflicted negative talk to dictate my life, I’ve been on a never-ending quest of having self-love and believing in my self-worth. 

As a mom, I’ve added to that quest of never allowing my daughter to experience those negative feelings.  I try to promote positive words to my daughter to believe from the beginning and try to limit my negative self-talk. (Although, when you grow up with very low self-esteem, this can be hard at times.)  We use words like Brave, Strong, Kind, Creative, Smart, Funny and Inquisitive to compliment rather than just using pretty or beautiful.  (Even though, I still think those are good words too.) 

We try to be patient.  We try to discipline with love.  Meaning, that while she will still get disciplined with taking privileges away, we explain the why to make sure she understands why what she did was a bad behavior and how it made us feel and why she is getting disciplined for it.   And the toughest of all is we try to be empathetic to her feelings.  I don’t think I have to explain why being empathetic to a kindergartener’s STRONG emotion is hard.  And when we don’t succeed in following our own guidelines of patience, love and empathy, we try to admit when we are wrong and own up to it.  Have I said that parenting is hard?

We try to talk about kindness often.  Thanks to a good friend of ours, we started a habit in our house to ask at dinner what your high of the day was and what your low of the day was.  We’ve recently incorporated asking if anyone was kind to you or if you were kind to anyone else today.  Just to get those thoughts in the front of her mind.  (And it is a good reminder for us to.) 

This is what lead me to our kindness project on the bucket list.  I wanted to attempt to do some intentionally kind activities every day leading up to Christmas.  I would lead by example with my list of kind things to do as well as assigned some kind things for my daughter to do.  Then we would talk about it.  I came up with a list of things that we could do each day.  I even made a sweet printable, since Pinterest makes you feel like you didn't actually complete it unless you have a cute checklist to prove it.

Here are some things that I learned from completing this challenge:

1. You shouldn’t force kindness.  It doesn’t work as well.  I tried to buy 4 people coffee throughout the week and got turned down. 
2. Big acts of kindness promote stress instead of accomplishment.  It turns into a chore rather than joy of the heart.
3. The items on this list that had the biggest impact, really were the smallest tasks on the list.  Sending text messages with genuine appreciation for friendship gave me more feels than shopping for a family that I didn’t know.  That doesn’t mean I won’t continue to adopt a family and have Zoe help me shop for people who need it, but that isn’t what will mold her character.  The kind words to a friend will. 
4. Kindness looks different for each person.  Some people have a strength with serving others.  Some were given financial gifts that they can pass onto others.  And some just know how to be a good ear to listen and to say the right thing at the right time.  Don’t force yourself into something that isn’t your strength – just maximize what is.  I think my strength to make a difference is being an active listener and showing empathy.  I need to do more of it.
5. Kindness isn’t a one and done act.  While I like that I dedicated a week to focusing on kindness, what will have a bigger outcome are the small daily acts we focus on.   

At the end, I do feel like I can cross this bucket list item off my list, but the kindness project will be a lifetime undertaking.  For me to see Zoe achieve the goals I have set for her; it will take continuous leading by example.  The good news is, I get to be happy and kind.  I can’t ask for anything better than that.